sjsprWriting

Here is a list of the things I never told you out of fear of losing you and that I can say now that I did:

I hate envy your cellphone, and how you’re more attached to it than me.

I hate when we’re sitting together and talking, when your eyes glaze over, constantly in search of someone better else to dedicate your attention to.

I hate how you form friendships in seconds and they become the most important thing in your life at the moment, and how invaluable you treat those that are able to grasp your fleeting attention in the second that you decide to care.

I hate that those people take priority over me.

I hate how susceptible to bullshit you are. How you trust people you just fucking met with all your soul, and act surprised when they crumple you in the end. I hate that you never listened to me because I told you so.

I hate that you can choose to let go of me, like I’m dispensable. I hate that I can’t do the same.

I hate that I never let myself entertain the permanent thought in the back of my head that I was never your best friend, even though you were mine. I was right . Because I was scared of what it meant.

I hate that I always felt like not your second, or third, but last choice when I always made you my first. I hate that I never did anything about it.

I hate how you always forgot my birthday.

I hate how you could do have done everything that would be probable cause for me to hate you, and even still I don’t. Even still I can’t.

I hate that I knew that you didn’t feel that close to me, that I was way more attached than you ever were. I hate that I let myself ignore it.

I hate how the last time I saw you was the closest I’d ever felt to you and the time I felt you really did care.

I hate how I never replied to your “I feel like I’m not a good friend to you”. I should have said you haven’t been.

I hate how I stayed quiet because in that moment your friendship meant more than the truth.

I hate that you felt you couldn’t talk to me about everything. I would stand by you despite anything.

I hate that you’d wanted to make me leave you alone for some time now. I still care so much, I miss you and still hold hope to talk to you again.

I hate that you’re fine.

I hate that I’m not.

I hate how you never did anything wrong, but this makes you sound like a bitch.

And I hate how I’m apologizing for it.